The end of the third and final evening of our vacation was perfect. A last minute trip that I wasn’t even sure about. The kids were impossible to settle down even though it was 10pm. We were about to go tell them to quiet down once again when we realized that they were making each other laugh deliriously. The kind of purely joyful kid laughter that makes it impossible for you not to laugh too. We silently stood at the foot of their bed and listened in the dark. I eventually ended up laying in between them on their pull out couch, and as they finally dozed off, I had two arms and one leg on me while I listened to the crackling of the last embers in the fireplace. I smiled as their silly laughter echoed in my head. I couldn’t have been happier. I am so grateful.
I have accomplished so much in just a week! I had my first appointment with a breast surgeon. Then I researched everything she said. I researched everything on my pathology report. I started new Pinterest boards where I can keep track of breast cancer resources and nutrition articles. I joined some support groups on Facebook. I tried meditating. It’s already taking over my life!
But, I’m not angry. Right now, I’m fascinated. Why did this happen to me, what things in my body made conditions favorable for these cells to be able to start multiplying? My cancer is strongly hormone-receptive. Is it something with my hormones? Am I deficient in vitamins which make my immune system less able to fight these guys? I feel like it’s a puzzle that I’ll never be able to complete, but for now I can’t stop reading and wondering.
Earlier this week I also talked to someone very dear to me who is already a survivor. I know I am only at the beginning of this, but I already have a whole new respect for her and everyone else who has gone through anything like this. Even though I am starting to feel pretty stable, I’ve experienced intense emotions and fear this week that I never have before. I’ve had to run to the bathroom in the middle of playing legos so the kids won’t see me crying. When you’re healthy, you feel invincible. Maybe that’s what bothers me the most – that I discovered that I am not.