I have accomplished so much in just a week! I had my first appointment with a breast surgeon. Then I researched everything she said. I researched everything on my pathology report. I started new Pinterest boards where I can keep track of breast cancer resources and nutrition articles. I joined some support groups on Facebook. I tried meditating. It’s already taking over my life!
But, I’m not angry. Right now, I’m fascinated. Why did this happen to me, what things in my body made conditions favorable for these cells to be able to start multiplying? My cancer is strongly hormone-receptive. Is it something with my hormones? Am I deficient in vitamins which make my immune system less able to fight these guys? I feel like it’s a puzzle that I’ll never be able to complete, but for now I can’t stop reading and wondering.
Earlier this week I also talked to someone very dear to me who is already a survivor. I know I am only at the beginning of this, but I already have a whole new respect for her and everyone else who has gone through anything like this. Even though I am starting to feel pretty stable, I’ve experienced intense emotions and fear this week that I never have before. I’ve had to run to the bathroom in the middle of playing legos so the kids won’t see me crying. When you’re healthy, you feel invincible. Maybe that’s what bothers me the most – that I discovered that I am not.