I made an appointment with a new oncologist. I wonder what my future holds? I couldn’t get in until June. I can’t believe how busy all of these doctors are. It’s sad, actually. Well, I guess I’m not really in a hurry, I will just happily enjoy the next few weeks of ignorant bliss, until the next phase of the science project begins!
I suppose it’s because I’m not in the medical field, and because I haven’t had surgery for 11 years, but anesthesia is a pretty weird concept to me. What’s even weirder is this amnesia drug they speak of, where I can talk to them but I won’t remember it. I wonder if I said anything funny or inappropriate. I hope so, the doctors should at least have a little entertainment in all this seriousness, no? I was pretty calm until just before I went in, and even then I only had a few tears. I remember waking up in the recovery room and Matt telling me the good news about my lymph nodes, and then what I thought was a few minutes later (turns out it was actually an hour and a half later) I was wheeled to my room. I thought I’d be emotional afterwards, seeing my body different. In fact I was pretty sure I’d be a complete mess. Turns out, the plastic surgeon did a pretty big fill in my expanders during surgery, so I basically look the same as before (you know – minus the bandages and bruising). No emotional breakdown necessary. Cancer is OUT, no cancer in my lymph nodes, my boobs already look fine, I am home, and I am surrounded by the best family and friends ever. Life is actually pretty darn good right now.
Everyone seems surprised I’m home. Before I left, I asked the nurse if I was going home early. She said, “not early for you, but compared to many other people, yes.” As Matt was loading up the car, she sat and chatted. She told me I have a high pain tolerance and low anxiety levels and those really contributed to my quick recovery. I was so grateful that she took the time to tell me that. It is a good reminder to me to stay calm, to stay on course and to appreciate life where it is. I know I might have other difficult times coming up – but I will remember.
Unfortunately I didn’t get to see the surgeon today, because she went out of town for the weekend. I feel like we have a strange relationship – I’ve only spoken to her twice, yet I have extreme gratitude for what she’s done for me. I just want to hug her so hard and cry and tell her thank you and I love you – but that’s probably not appropriate so maybe a card? Anyway, I’m sad she’s not here. My plastic surgeon did stop in, who I am also very, very grateful for, and I have placed my utmost trust in him to make me look great again. Not only because I have to, but because I believe he will. He asked me when I wanted to go home. I said today, and he said ok. Hooray! I didn’t sleep well last night because my bed is up at an angle and I can’t get the pillows to work for me so that my head is comfortable. Poor Matt was no better off, all the cots were taken so he got to sleep in a recliner they wheeled in for him. And he had to get up every 10 minutes to fix my pillows. Cheers to our own beds tonight!
I just can’t get enough of this jello and applesauce! I’m not joking. I keep sending Matt out for more. Who knew I liked jello so much? More importantly though, surgery is over, I’m in my room, and I’m still alive. Not that I didn’t think I would be, but this whole surgery thing is a little weird to me. More on that later. For now, more jello please. With some morphine on the side. Oh, hey – why didn’t anyone decorate my room for Cinco de Mayo??